To infinity and beyond

I went to The Broad museum with my friends and of course the first stop was the Infinity Mirrored Room – The Souls of Millions of Light Years Away by Yayoi Kusama.  I had an idea of what to expect based off of my friends’ Instagram posts, but I didn’t expect the room to be the size of an average bedroom.  I was mesmerized regardless.  Once I stepped in I took this one picture and put my phone away to soak in the few seconds of silence, dimmed lights, and reflection.
Everything felt still, not in a peaceful kind of way, but not eerie at the same time either.  It wasn’t confusing because I think I just leaned into what the room had to offer.  In those few moments of stillness I was able to look past what was in front of me.
Four mirrored walls.
LED crystals that hung at various levels.
Water surrounding the peninsula.
Then I allowed myself to see the room grow into the name it lived up to.

I stood in the same spot until the door opened for the next person.

Lately it feels like I’ve been stuck in my own kind of infinity room.  It’s more like the room of ambiguity really.  It’s hard to see past what’s in front of me right now.
The day-to-day.
Questions like, “What’s your plan?”
Social media of heavy hearts, happy hearts, and hearts of the in between.
Hour by hour.
The occasional happy hour.
The last chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
People walking aimlessly to either get their steps in for the day or to find Pokemon (or both).
A made bed that feels like an accomplishment.
The minute by minute.
A one-way ticket.
The work. The process. The potential progress.

I can try to avoid this room/space/time of ambiguity, but it’ll always surface like that damn Jumanji game.  I wish I could rush this process and just get there wherever that may be, but rushing the process would be foolish. It would allow me to cheat myself out of the experiences I need in order to develop into whoever, for whatever reason, at whenever I’m placed at a given moment.  I’m not saying that I am brave in anyway.  I am scared, anxious, and uncomfortable, but I am encouraged to
reflect on the experience,
accept the reality, and
appreciate the reality.

If this room of ambiguity is all I have during this season then I will choose to be still and be thankful for everything there is to be thankful for, including this time of uncertainty.  I will remain until the door opens.

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